Learning How to Heal When Words Hurt
Someone says something thoughtless, and just like that, our feelings are hurt. It’s hard to understand why someone we love would so carelessly cause such pain. Am I being too sensitive? Are they being vindictive? How can I avoid the pain when words hurt?
For instance, a young man I dated in high school once said, “The only time you open your mouth is when you’re switching feet.” I can still vividly picture where we were when he said that. Did I mention I’ve been out of high school almost 40 years?
Years later, a friend started calling my thoughtless words a Vicki-ism. They were usually funny things I would say, not realizing a second meaning. But I just as easily said thoughtless things which left a wound on someone else. So, I need to remember I’m not always on the receiving end of hurtful words. I can wield that sharp sword just as easily as anyone else.
It’s All in How You See, or Hear, It
How can words cause such deep wounds?
Perspective. Everyone’s perspective is based on their unique life experiences which are just that – unique.
Speakers deliver words from their own perspective. However, the listener hears those words from her own perspective filtered through her unique experiences. That’s why a message is never received exactly as it is sent. It’s like an old game of telephone.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Annaïs Nin
I’m Sorry Isn’t Enough
Remember when your mother used to say, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!” She was referring to how our attitude and body language can alter the message we deliver. This is another way in which words can hurt. For example, how you say the words, “I’m sorry,” can give them a multitude of meanings. As parents, we taught our children to say sorry when they said, or did, something hurtful. In hindsight, we may have done them a disservice.
Uttering the word, sorry, doesn’t change anything. It has become an obligation. What really matters is the state of the heart when that word is spoken. Do you recognize you’ve hurt them? Does your heart ache over the pain you’ve caused? These things are more important to the person you’ve hurt than any word you might utter.
Restoring Relationships When Words Hurt
We need to take time to think before we allow words to slip from our mouth so that we can craft our words to help others, not hurt them. And at the end of each day we need to ask ourselves several questions:
- What did I say today which may have hurt someone else?
- Do I feel an ache deep in my heart over the pain I’ve caused?
- What can I do to restore that relationship?
- Did someone’s words hurt me today?
- What can I do to ease the pain and restore that relationship?
When the words of others hurt you, understand they may not even realize their words caused you pain. It’s important to have boundaries about how you allow others to treat you. So, speak up. However, think before you speak. What is their perspective and the unique experiences which may have gone into their words? What is their attitude and body language? Was the comment made without an understanding of your feelings on the matter?
Now, communicate your feelings carefully. If you’re in a group or business setting which might not be appropriate for this conversation, wait until the time is right. Then, ask if they realize their words hurt you? Help them see it from your perspective. It’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about a shared emotional experience where words are used not to hurt, but to heal.
Need help implementing these self-care strategies in your own life? Check out my Joy Journal. It’s a combination planner/journal to help support attempts to manage your emotions and make positive habit changes.
Need more inspiration and encouragement? Join me on Facebook on the Sadness to Joy page. That’s where you’ll find the daily encouragement and accountability you need to help bring your plan into existence.
What words tend to cut you the deepest? Why is that? What words have you uttered recently which may have cut deep for someone else?
